


Hands As These

by eurusholmmes



Category: Mass Effect, Mass Effect Trilogy
Genre: Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/M, Hurt/Comfort, I've been thinking about this prompt for days so please enjoy, Self-Hatred, this is my first Mass Effect fic!
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-08-02
Updated: 2019-08-02
Packaged: 2020-07-29 01:27:43
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,423
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20073856
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/eurusholmmes/pseuds/eurusholmmes
Summary: "For it is hands as these that cradle the world."Hours after the destruction of the SR-1, Joker is immersed in his guilt over the death of John Shepard when an unlikely friend steps in to defend him when Kaidan Alenko is on the warpath. Amara Shepard, the Commander's younger twin, and the only woman who saw him as the man he was. The woman he loved more then his own life.





	Hands As These

**Author's Note:**

> If you guys enjoy this, PLEASE tell me. I want to write more Shoker fanfic. 🥺

"_Kaidan! __Enough!" _

He remembers the day that Amara Shepard boarded the Normandy as if it were only hours ago. Fresh from captivity by the Asari Matriarch and covered in snow, sporting that infamous Shepard grin he thought solely belonged to John. She had fiery auburn hair and eyes that mirrored emeralds. 

In another word, the younger Shepard twin was absolutely captivating. 

Joker was positive she'd want nothing to do with him once her brother made her a part of his crew. He needed the people to defeat Saren and Sovereign, and who better to recruit then the most powerful human biotic outside Alenko? He knew he wasn't a soldier like Garrus, or a biotic like Kaidan. He didn't have near the power those two did. His hands were his weapon. His sharp tongue his defense, and his legs his kryptonite.

Why would she be interested in _him? _

_"I feel like this ship is suffocating me." She whispered late during the night-shift, too plagued by nightmares to sleep and too physically exhausted to move from her spot. Amara always greeted him with a gentle caress of fingers at his shoulder before snatching his cap and collapsing in the co-pilot seat. He'd discovered quick that she hated coffee as much as her brother and often didn't sleep when she should've. She was as deadly with her hands as she was with a weapon, and she never failed to match the attitude and wit of John. _

_"And you came up to the bridge for what?" He retorted. "My fantastic personality?" _

_The way she looked at him could've pierced his soul. _

_"No, you idiot." The way her laughter echoed in the cockpit made him beam with pride. It wasn't often he heard that sound. "You're the only one besides Liara who doesn't treat me like a mental case. You don't see me for my biotic ability or as John Shepards little sister. You see Amara. You see me." _

_Her heart was laid out to him bare, broken and bleeding. _

_Joker leaned outward while gripping the armrest of his chair until they were practically nose to nose. His chest constricted when he felt her breath ghost over his face, fingers trembling as they laced through his own. "Well, lucky for you," He allowed his eyes to travel the length of her body. "There is so much of Amara to see." _

_"So you like the view?" _

_"Absolutely." _

She almost never slept in the racks after that. John often started his morning shift by listening to the sound of his sister's laughter as he cracked another joke. He learned quickly that she loved his attitude and his sharp tongue. He almost never failed to make her laugh, no matter the circumstance. 

_"Amara is the only human female to ever serve under the authority of an Asari matriarch. She is also the only human to ever be held in captivity and biotically trained with an Asari commando squad."_

Liara had informed him about the brutality of the Asari Commandos after she'd started working to piece Amara's memories back together. According to the Prothean expert, Amara had been taken captive during a mission that would've promoted her to N7 alongside her brother and held captive by Benezia long after Liara had parted from her. The fact that she was human didn't matter. It was the sheer power of her biotics that had captured her attention, and so she'd ran across the galaxy with the most powerful human biotic besides Kaidan Alenko in tow.

"_So what am I supposed to call you?" He'd asked on their way to the mess for breakfast. Most of the morning shift had yet to show their faces, and Amara seemed much more comfortable to be in smaller groups then with the entirety of the Normandy crew. _

_"_ _You've been calling me the Other Shepard since the day I boarded, Hotshot." _

_"Really? That's sad, even for me. I'm gonna have to think of a better one." He grinned wickedly as they sat across from one another with a course that looked like a poor imitation of oatmeal. "I'll think of something that'll bring you to your knees." _

It was a day before Ilos that he finally figured it out. Spitfire. That was the only name worthy enough of a woman like her - a powerhouse - who had the ability to cripple her enemies without so much as breaking a sweat.

Most of the people he interacted with seemed to notice the look of adoration that always passed through his eyes when she was around. How Amara laughed more, smiled more, and fought more fiercely knowing she had someone to come back to. That he was there, that the Normandy was _safe, _and she was no longer subject to the torture of Benezia and the Commandos to heighten her biotic ability. 

It never seemed like the right time to tell her, so he waited.

***

He was an idiot for waiting. 

The ship insistent on attacking them had blown right through their stealth mode and the Normandy's shielding. Everything was on fire. Corpses lined the hall that lead to the cockpit, but yet here he sat vigilant in his chair with every intention of making his ship dance even as she died. 

"_Joker! Get yourself out of that chair!" _

Amara was the first to meet him. After being promoted to N-7 following the Battle of the Citadel, she was sporting a new armor, painted dark green, that illuminated her eyes even through the visor of her helmet. If she was already here, John would not have been far behind. "No! I can still save her!" His fingers flew over the control panel at an alarming rate, and Amara yelped as she nearly crashed into the wall behind her. "Amara!" 

"Jeff! We have to _go!" _

John followed his sister's actions less then a minute later, and he heaved a sigh before both of the Shepards lifted him to his feet. Even through the material of her armor, Joker could still feel the warmth that radiated from Amaras touch as her arm wound around his waist. "Mara! Get him to the escape pod." John demanded. Amara cast a terrified look at her brother as they approached the row of pods, most of which had been ejected before the hull of the CIC had been obliterated. They were the only three on the ship. "Amara! _Go!" _

An explosion. Amara wrenched him further into the pod, oblivious to the pain that seared his side as he collapsed in the nearest chair. She inched herself out, further and further, absently calling her brother's name. 

"_John!" _

John Shepard slammed his fist against the eject button, and Joker watched from over her shoulder as he went down with the remains of the Normandy. 

At his side, Amara wept. 

***

Despite the frigid temperatures and rolling hills dotted in snow, Alchera was a beautiful planet. Joker barely remembered what happened after the pod launched because Amara was desperately trying to make sure he didn't break any other bones other then the one in his arm, but the impact against the ground rattled him so hard he was sure he broke four more. 

It took the living Normandy crew two days to lock onto their location. He spent most of the time drifting in and out of consciousness, desperate to ignore the searing pain in his body and the sound of Amara's sobs that echoed in the silence. He wanted to help her. _Needed _to tell her that her brothers death wasn't her fault and that he was just doing his duty. 

He asks the morning of rescue. Asks the question that's been nagging him since they landed on the planet. 

"_Do you blame me?" _

She glances up at him through red-rimmed eyes and messy auburn hair pushed back behind her ears. "Why-" Amara swallowed the bile threatening to rise in her throat as she set her gaze on her brother's pilot. The best friend she'd ever known, the most accepting man she'd ever met. "Why would I blame you, Joker? You did your duty, bought the crew time to evacuate. Your act was honorable." 

_Honor. _What a pathetic excuse in the face of death. How was getting Shepard killed _honorable? _

"If I'd left earlier, spared John a little bit more time.. I would've gotten him out. The _three _of us would be here. Not just us." Joker winced as she gripped his hands in her own. 

She didn't seem to have an answer even as the door to the pod was ripped open and Kaidan Alenko peered inside. His eyes lit up at the sight of Amara as he moved to help her out of the pod along with the four crew-members he'd brought from the camp they'd built a hundred meters out. Kaidan and Amara slowly eased him out of the pod and onto the gurney Doctor Chakwas had sent them with, and then he felt a fist connect with his stomach. 

He was too busy trying to blink the stars from his vision that he didn't see the scene that played out before him. 

"_Alenko!" _Amara snarled as she sprinted back in the direction of the pod, pulled away from her duties in telling the Engineers to activate the distress beacon as she saw Kaidan's fury released in the form of physical violence against Joker. He must've told him about how he and Amara had made it off the Normandy. "_Kaidan! Enough!" _

The crew gasped as blue rippled around the body of the younger Shepard, and Kaidan was forcefully pulled away from the body of their pilot and slammed against the snow. They knew she wouldn't have pulled a move like that with anyone else, even with being the second highest ranking officer. She took place of Command when John wasn't there. 

"_He _is the reason John is _dead, _Amara!" Kaidan yelled, hands extending as a vicious shockwave tore through the snow. Amara fell to her knees and slowly inhaled as her barriers strengthened and wrapped around her as a cocoon did a butterfly. 

"Are you that naive?" The lieutenant froze as his feet slowly began to lift off the ground. He was helpless to act as Amara kept him paralyzed in mid-air, fingers clenched tightly at her side as she approached him. Kaidan suddenly knew why Joker had given her the nickname Spitfire. He could see the rage swirling in the greens of her eyes, red from the tears she'd shed for her brother. "Joker and I were the last ones off the ship. Joker is the only reason _why _you are still alive. He bought time for the crew to escape!" 

"Are you so blinded by your love that you don't see-" 

Her gaze brightened at his words, and Kaidan inhaled sharply as it suddenly became difficult to breathe. "Do not _presume _to know my heart, Lieutenant." He gasped as he suddenly found himself face down in the snow, hands braced on either side as he slowly pushed himself upright. "You don't know me, my past, the things I've seen and what I have endured. What you _do _know is that I am in command in the absence of my brother. Report to camp and continue tending to matters until the Alliance locks on to the beacon." 

Cold as steel without a hint of emotion. The infamous Shepard bravado. 

"Yes ma'am."

He left without so much as a word. The crew watched in awe as she walked back toward the pod where the two lieutenants waited with Joker perched between them on the gurney. "Lieutenants, please take Flight Lieutenant Moreau to Doctor Chakwas, allow her to tend to his injuries. Have all the survivors been found?" 

The one nearest to her nodded and handed her a data pad. "That is the list Doctor T'Soni comprised of the living, and those who perished in the crash." Her heart clenched as she read the list of twenty crewmen who had died. Bakari, Chase, Crosby... So many people who died. People John would never know about. 

"Thank you Lieutenant. Dismissed." 

***

Joker woke to the sound of broken humming. It sounded something like a Earth lullaby, foreign to his ears, but the sound enveloped him in a familiar warmth he'd always felt in the presence of both Shepards. He was remarkably warm. Safe. 

That did nothing to sate the overwhelming guilt bubbling in his stomach as the image played behind his eyes - John Shepard floating in the midst of a tomb - before the stars swallowed him whole. 

"_Jeff." _Her voice echoed in his ears, hoarse from lack of use and very clearly exhausted. "We were rescued by the Alliance. They've grounded you and are ready to interrogate me. They think I have something to do with John's death. _Ridiculous." _Bitter laughter broke past her lips. He suddenly wondered what it'd be like to taste them. "Alenko broke almost your entire ribcage until I knocked some sense into him. Chakwas did what she could, but you've been asleep for a week. We're inside the hospital at the Citadel," 

"I wanted you to know in case the Alliance separates us." She buried her head against his leg and took his hand in her own. "Everything before Noveria is a blur. Benezia tried to take my earliest memories from me. The colony John and I were raised on, the way our mother looked, the sound of laughter and the sight of our home. She took _everything _from me. That's what Liara has been working on. She wants me to remember. I have never been so desperate to remember something before. But I know this." She turned his hand upward and held his palm against her cheek. 

_Wake up, you idiot! She's going to blow away like smoke! _

"Not one person will be able to make me forget about I've felt about you." There it was again, that heart of hers. "I need you to wake up, Joker. I don't think I can get through this alone." 

He willed his eyes open, and the stars exploded in the greens of her eyes as weak fingers enveloped her wrist. 

"You're not alone, Mara." He pulled her down to where they were nose to nose and he could count the scarce amount of freckles on her nose. Her breath caught in her throat as he threaded his fingers through her hair, desperate for a grip on reality. A grip on the home he thought he'd lost when the Normandy had gone down. "You'll never be alone again." 


End file.
